For a very long time, I really wanted to be famous, especially as a pastor.
I wanted to have a famous church, a famous ministry and a famous name. I hoped that when my name was mentioned, everybody (in the Christian world or at least in Malaysia and some other places) would know who I am. Unfortunately this desire has not served me well and has coloured black my service for others and my expected results. It has left me disappointed, caused me to be disillusioned with what I have done and who I do have in my class or meeting. Desiring to be famous, to see what I define as having arrived, has caused me to devalue what I do have and to chase impossible numbers and events.
So why am I so desperate to be famous? Why do I jump at any possibility to be famous?
I finally owned up to my malady after I realized that being famous was a powerful driving force in my life and it was adversely affecting my work and life satisfaction. I sat down and Googled ‘desiring to be famous’ and read many of the articles suggested. Here is what I discovered from my readings (and they ring true in my life). The words in italics are quotes from articles I read.
Firstly, the desire for fame belies the existence of a crippling, undiagnosed malady, a malnutrition of the soul known as indignity (marginalized to the point of invisibility). So, this urge for fame is a symptom of a malnourished soul, a soul that has suffered from indignity - the condition of being marginalized, ignored, push aside to the point I feel not only insignificant but invisible to significant others in my life. Wow, yes, that is how I have felt since I was a young pastor - always seeking for approval and praise, to be acknowledged I am okay and good in what I did. In other words I was needing but denied affirmation and encouragement. Ouch.
But why is this dearth of affirmation and acknowledgement so necessary for me? It looks like I needed to discover the root of my sense of indignity, and again no surprise, I discovered that it is usually caused by an early childhood experience of neglect and or injury that made to feel insignificant. This wounding resulted in me being not proud of what I have done or is doing in my life.Neglect and injury in early childhood? Check. Made to feel insignificant? Check. Hmm, no wonder there’s this overwhelming desire to be famous - it is my soul’s way for dealing with a wounded soul, to remedy a condition. Unsuccessfully.
So this is clear. I am a wounded soul and its symptom is a compelling desire to be famous, which in itself seems to be the cure but it’s actually a placebo, offering an healing but failing to deliver. So what is the cure for someone showing symptoms I have just described? Apparently I am in serious need of dignity – to be affirmed, assured of belonging, nurtured and protected by a few significant others.
The antidote for my sick soul is recognition and not fame! I need to be seen (noticed) by others and be recognized for my abilities and/or roles played in life and specifically in Christian ministry and church life. I need to be admired and appreciated for accomplishing something. What was more revealing was the fact that this recognition and appreciation need not come from crowds but by a person or two; even so it cannot be from just any person. He or she would have to be someone who knows and understands me and admires what I do. No wonder I am recognition-starved. There just aren’t that many people in my life who meet these requirements!
But all is not lost. I am so grateful to also discover that there is a way to gain the recognition I need and in simple terms all I need to do is to invest my life (time, effort, money etc) in others and reap the beautiful fruit of recognition in turn! Or as one article put it, the recognition I need can be gained via the contributions I make to others AND from their acknowledgements.I honestly believe that I have been contributing into others for their good but I now realize not all have responded with positive verbal or written acknowledgements. In short, many never did say thank you or spell out how my investment in their lives benefitted them or were much appreciated. Oh, how terrible it is to live in a society where open honest gratitude is so hard to give or be found. To be fair, there have been some who were recipients of my good deeds and they beautifully acknowledged it BUT I then found myself pushing the words of gratitude aside (false humility) or actually finding hard to believe what was expressed as true and rightfully mine to own. Either way, I forfeited my much needed recognition. This has to change starting today.
Now, what can I do to ensure that my investment in the lives of a limited number of people births the desired and required acknowledgements? For that, my contributions must be accurately understood and acknowledged by all involved. How to do that, to ensure my contributions are accurately understood and to create room and means for all involved to acknowledge my contributions? I am still searching for answers for these questions.
For the acknowledgements to be of any impact, my contributions must also be genuinely recognised and praised. It other words, I guessed it must come from the heart that recognises the blessing(s) received and genuinely flows with gratitude expressed in words (or otherwise). That’s a tall order but it gives me an idea as to the type of people I should be investing my life into - those who would genuinely benefit from what I offer as they are in real need of it and have no other immediate sources to obtain it.
Recognition is to self what food is to the body.
This brings into focus a vital ingredient - genuine relationships. This mean I must be positively connected to others, in healthy relationships where I feels belonged and loved. Oh, this sounds so magical and desirable because deep inside I realize this is something so despairingly scarce in my life. Many know me and I know them but when I am at home, they disappear like shadows in the afternoon sun. Almost all are not available for a cup of tea, a stroll in the park or an unplanned visit to the emergency room to keep me company. Okay, I got it. Start forming healthy relationships.
This (healthy relationships) is so vital for me as I learn to tear myself away from my addiction to fame because appreciation and understanding is only available through individuals (not crowds of strangers) whom you know and care about. In effect when one seeks fame, he seeks friendship. Bingo, hammer on the nail! I seek friendship. I desperately need friendship. Anybody want to be a true friend to me (other than the handful I may already have)?
How to stop being addicted to the fame drug? Feed on what my soul actually needs - genuine recognition from healthy friendships.
Comments
Post a Comment